Heresy

I would never say the burgers at Red Mill (Phinney Ridge, Interbay) are bad. They're just standard.

One doesn't have to do much evaluation since, as a concept, the burger has few components:

The bun. Red Mill's are of the standard Franz/Langendorf variety. Has Red Mill never heard of the Essential Baking Company? Or Kaiser? Sprechen Sie Deutsche?

The lettuce. No iceberg for Red Mill. But the leaf lettuce that adorns its buns is usually wilty.

The tomato. It's a tomato, anyone can get them. Thanks to diesel we can get beefsteaks in all their mealy glory even in dead of winter.

The sauce. OK, the Mill Sauce is pretty good. I use a dash of Liquid Smoke when I make burger sauce at home; I wonnnnnder what the Mill does.

The patty. This is the crucial part, the burger in the hamburger. And Red Mill always overcooks theirs -- as in not a hint of pink. There's that word again; standard.

Even Red Mill's pomme frites, the all-important accompaniment to the above, are from the freezer. And while Red Mill's onion ring option is really excellent, honestly, top-notch, you never get enough of them. And the secret is hushpuppy mix.

All in all, the Red Mill burger is tasty and filling, but just not worth waiting for in a line that often stretches out the door. So I don't.

OK, burger heretic, you're probably saying, where does one get what you consider a good hamburger?

I submit there is not just one place, but an entire class of establishment where such an item can usually be found: the pub. I'll name two.

I give you: Fadó (Pioneer Square), an extremely Irish pub. Their "Bacon Cheeseburger Mór" is cooked to order, and I get mine medium so it arrives juicy and still sorta pink in the middle. The fries are thick-cut. Top it off with a pint of Guinness -- or a "Velveteen," i.e. cider floated on Guinness -- and what could be better?

Finally, I'll steer you in the direction of Dad Watson's (Fremont), part of the McMenamin's chain. I don't mean the cheeseburger on the menu, which is standard. You need to look at the specials, where Dad has featured a series of "Stuffed Burgers" to delight the palate. Stuffed with cheese, tomatoes, onions -- it matters not what. It's all good. Plus, you can get either the giant basket of fresh cut fries or TATER TOTS.

And so, burger lovers, I bid thee go forth and pub.


Update: McMenamin's has closed the Fremont Dad Watson's location, and announced plans to reopen it in the University District).